This is a series that I'm writing about Kevin and I's love story, read about why and how I'm doing this, as well as all the prior posts under the Love Story page.
Missed the last one? Find it here.
Being back at home in Houston, nannying for my favorite family, and getting to see M often... summer was shaping up to be just what I had hoped for, at least at first it was.
|the girls I nannied for|
Throughout the summer I kept in touch with my college friends with texting, emails and phone calls. Kayla would update me on things going on in Oklahoma and Kevin emailed me about his adventures with StudentLife camps. I had plans to meet up with quite a few of them in the middle of the summer in Dallas at Six Flags. I was counting down the days and eager for a chance to hang out with them and M all together.
But as summer wore on, my relationship with M began to feel less and less as I had remembered and held onto this past year being six hours apart. Our time together was dull and I felt frustrated often. We tried to change things up, and tried changing my attitude but something just kept feeling off. The trip to Six Flags was a disaster on so many levels, I had never been so mad and hurt at/by M. There was another trip that fell short of my expectations and again left my feelings hurt. Not a day went by that I didn't doubt the whole relationship.
I wrestled with myself constantly.
|the trip to six flags|
I came home, to my friend's home where I was living for the summer, with my sack of crafting supplies ready to work on a project for M & I's anniversary. I finally took time after work and evening classes this Thursday to get to work on a project that I'd been imagining for a long time. I dumped scissors, pictures, stickers, and paper all over the floor and got down to work. Each cropped picture, each placed sticker, and each hand written word hurt. I couldn't help but think that it was all for nothing. How long would this even be on display, I wondered. Why was I putting in this effort? I wanted to talk to someone but no one knew. Hardly anyone knew what was going on in my heart. All I needed was for someone to tell me no but I didn't want to hear it. I missed my mom the whole night, she needed so much catching up. I felt stuck and distraught, just holding onto a hope that maybe somehow the next few days or celebrating our anniversary would change things.
We hardly celebrated our anniversary, it was a complete let down for such a romantic at heart as myself. It broke a piece of my heart, which had already been chipped at with several prior events. Our relationship was hardly even a glimmer of what I hoped and imagined for in a relationship with a boy.
|the girls I nannied...loved them!|
My mommy and sisters had driven all the way from their home in Florida to me and friends in Houston. I was never so happy to see my mommy. Boy did I need to talk to her! We had planned to do a Sunday church altogether as a family, dad included, and M was going to join us too. My dad was supposed to meet us at church, afterwards we would all go to lunch. We sat at the top of our church sanctuary, holding the seat on the aisle for my dad, his favorite spot. The music started and my dad was no where to be seen, and wasn't responding to text messages either. My heart sank.
|Our family friends at our favorite restaurant altogether|
M bugged be through the whole service, asking where my dad was and why he wasn't there. I wished I knew, not only for his pestering to stop, but for me. My mind wandered for answers and also for solutions. Without my dad, I figured we'd just make lunch ourselves at our friend's home, where my mom and sisters were staying. I pasted a smile on my face and revealed the plan for our family favorite, nachos, at the house. The plan required a stop at the local Kroger. M drove me and my little sister to the store, we ran in and came back out to M. He was clearly showing how annoyed he was by the situation but with my sister in the car, I calmly thanked him for stopping and smilingly gave him directions to the home.
We pulled up and I sent my sister in the home with groceries. I didn't need to hear his words. I knew he was mad. I knew he didn't want to be there. I knew. I'd known all along that he didn't think my family had it together. I knew he didn't approve of the way my family operated and functioned, like we were broken and wrong, or like we weren't living Christian-like enough. His words in the car pierced my heart. It was one thing for me to feel the pain of my dad not showing, it was quite another for my boyfriend to be angry about it, judging him for it. It was my family, my dad, not his.
I stepped out of the car and sent him on his way. Walking in the house I went straight to the kitchen to help with lunch. I looked at my mom and knew she sensed something was wrong, defaulting to typical reaction I plastered another fake smile on and went to work. Moments later hot tears were pouring from my eyes. The judgments M had about my family hurt worse than the many ways he'd let me down up until them.
It was the fourth of July and my dad had planned a trip for the five of us to go out to the Woodlands Resort. Just days after the Sunday fiasco, I vowed to not text M and to enjoy the time with my family. We ate yummy food, played games and swam in their fun pool. It was a perfect little get-away and a great time to catch up my mommy to all that had been going on. Surprise, surprise she already knew, and she told me what I already knew.
|fourth of july fun with my sisters|
My dad dropped us off and we said our goodbyes. I had planned to go back to Florida with my mommy and sisters for a couple weeks. I'd been looking forward to the trip all summer but I wasn't looking forward to it even more now. M and I had agreed to meet each other at a local Starbucks.
It was July 5th, M and I had been dating a year and a month. I sat in my 1994 Cutless Supreme Oldsmobile and prayed constantly as I flipped through my Bible to read verses I'd marked. My nerves were high and I was feeling weak about the decision. I suddenly heard some thumping on my window, it jolted me out of my thoughts. It was M. I slipped my Bible back into the passenger seat and stepped out of the car. We opted for the park instead of coffee. Silence walked us all the way there and dropped us at a metal bench. I sat on the bench and wondered what to say as I glanced around the park filled with iron sculptures, created by the husband of the family I nannied for. I gazed at the life-sized sculpted couples dancing, that's what I wanted to do in a relationship, dance, dance with a smile on my face and joy in the air.
M started speaking, before I realized it, "I think we should break up," fell out of my mouth. His head fell as the words came out but he agreed. M spoke the rest of the time through tears streaming down his face. M wanted me to wait for him, and he promised to not date others until after college, his words. I couldn't believe what he was asking and wanted to console him by replying yes but knew my answer had to be no. I encouraged him to date other girls and told him something along the lines that it would all be okay, besides we didn't know what would happen over the next three years. We shared a final hug and M walked away, leaving me at the bench. I held back tears and kept my voice as steady as possible as I called my best friend to tell her the news. She came immediately and I fell to tears.